As a child, I suffered from sexual abuse at the hands of my brother – as it started at such a young age, any relationship with him was associated with the abuse. He was much older than me, cunning, and opportunistic. That’s how I saw him.
Too young to understand what was correct until I reached the age of 9, I felt lonely and was too afraid to bring the subject to anyone, and so deeply ashamed of what was happening to me later on as a teenager.
Then, one day, I spoke up about the abuse to my family – and instead of receiving the support I thought I rightly deserved, I was placed aside, not talked to, and pretty much told to move on as it was now a long time ago. I felt I became the black sheep of the family.
I had rage within me, anger, years of pain that just wanted to come out, blame my parents for not seeing things, not protecting me. I wanted to blame them, make them feel miserable and so I did.
My relationship with my entire family deteriorated to such a point that we did not see each other, and barely talked to one another for several years.
We tried to make up, but it felt fake as nothing within me was really changing. Old arguments would come back after a few weeks, blaming, anger, etc. It just felt like running in a circle.
Then I came across the teachings by Belsebuub, and I started to understand all my feelings and emotions. I was capable of healing myself, to go deeper than what normal psychology was giving me. It had been useful but was no longer enough as I kept repeating the same patterns.
Thanks to the teachings by Belsebuub, I was able to stop my rage, my need to blame my parents, and for making them feel responsible. I understood my reactions, my emotions, my thoughts etc. And what a relief it was – to finally be able once again call my parents “mum” and “dad” and to feel and return their love.
I was able to see their pain, to see how their indifference after I had opened up was due to their suffering for not having been able to protect me, and having failed at their most important job: parenthood. They were ashamed, and did not know how to cope with things.
I helped them heal with all that I had learned from Belsebuub’s teachings. From working on my anger, they were not responding with anger to me. From working on my hate, love started to resurface again between each other. From being able to talk to them in awareness brought different outcomes to conversations. And little by litte, with years our communication and relationship improved so dramatically, it took a 180 degree turn. We now talk on a weekly basis and visit each other whenever it is possible.
No – it was not easy, and it is still sometimes not easy – but what I’ve learned from my own experience is that if someone (at least) is working on themselves, then things are totally different. Life may bring suffering, many different types of suffering, but learning and making use of what we experience and go through is an option we have and that Belsebuub talks about and teaches about. I did not know we could, I did not know I would be able to overcome all this, but I did.
I was also able to see my brother for who he is, and stop associating him with the abuse. I was able to see his good side, and his bad side – to understand what had made him do these things to me. And to truly see him, to see his sufferings, his repentance. I was able to talk with him for real, and to learn to love him again. To know and feel that I have a brother again that I had lost such a long time ago now.
He finally opened up, and we learned he also had been abused as a child by a teacher during camp, for a whole weekend. Using what I had learned helped me help him. We understand each other and he also tried to apply the teachings by Belsebuub, and he has been responding to life in a better way – though he is not fully interested in these teachings, it has helped him understand himself, and see the reality of things.
My family went from being broken, destroyed to a more loving and stronger family whose ties between one another are now weaved not jut with black thread, but with lots of colors. From sufferings and destroyed trust, my family is now closer to one another.
No, it is not picture perfect and how could it be? It’s family after all – but what the teachings of Belsebuub have taught me is that Love is the truest way to act and live life by. And though I cannot control what people say or do, I have learnt that I have a choice in how I respond to other people’s actions or comments, and that this choice is priceless.
That with awareness, disintegration of egos, and working on oneself we can really make a difference in ourselves and in people around us.
That change within brings real change all around us, in our lives, and in our relationships.
And that is a better way to live, and for that I am so deeply grateful for what Belsebuub through his efforts and work has been able to bring to the world: obscure or metaphorical teachings are now within my grasp, clear and practical spirituality that can change the world.
This is my story, it is a story of hope.