Since starting my spiritual journey, I experienced many instances that proved to me the truth of Belsebuub’s words about how inner peace requires activity and how we can only experience this peace by overcoming various difficulties in daily life. The type of activity he talks about is internal. Time and time again, I found that it is only when we go against strong emotions that have built up, or against some long-held views or opinions, that a new perception can be opened for us and moments of peace and freedom experienced. This is what is meant by sacrifice, sacrificing our own sufferings for a new door to be opened for us. Or, as VM Samael Aun Weor puts it, “we don’t want to solve our problems, we want to dissolve them.”
The story I am about to share happened to me shortly after my arrival to the US. With a group of friends, we arranged a few days retreat, eager to experience something outside of the mundane and also to tap into the group strength that was happening around the world at that time, where people were trying to astral project to a particular location in the outer space. I was really looking forward to this retreat, hoping to get to know these new friends better, and also to experience some astral projection.
However, things were going to happen in a bit different way than I anticipated.
On the very day we were about to go, several things started to go wrong. We were running late, and so everything was done in haste, bringing up a lot of emotions and some nasty egos. By the time we finally arrived to the location, it was already evening and other people had already pitched their tents, but I was glad that finally we were there and hoped that things would start improving. That was not going to be the case though.
Situations continued to happen during the following days that kept pushing my emotional buttons very hard. Not wanting to cause any disturbances or scenes there, I just held it all inside, trying to somehow regain my balance, but each time I thought I was getting somewhat peaceful, a new shock arrived, stirring my emotions even harder. My astral practices were unsuccessful as a result of this turmoil and when the last day arrived, I wished I could just pack my things and go home instead of spending another day of torture there. I had no means of doing that though, so I just kept suffering to the point that I could not even talk to anybody anymore, because I was afraid I would start crying if I tried speaking, so I just kept quiet.
Then early afternoon on that day, the group decided to go for a short walk. The same situation repeated on the walk again and as I was walking, I reached to the point I thought I was going to have an outburst. Still not wanting to disturb the group, I decided to stay behind a bit and walked on my own, still seeing the group in the distance. As I was walking, I felt the emotional waves that wanted to bring me to tears and also a strong tension to the point of pain in my stomach. I remember at that point I became quite surprised to notice this strong pain in my stomach, and thought to myself that if this continues, I am going to develop some stomach ulcers soon. It was only then that I was able to start sincerely eliminating this ego with the help of my Divine Mother. Over the next 20 minutes or so, I begged her to at least eliminate this strong pain in my stomach, so I can feel physically better. At first, it didn’t feel like anything was happening, but I just kept asking, using the words and prayers as a means to ground myself and fight the upcoming outburst. Then suddenly, I started to feal peace… and what a peace! It was nothing like I have ever experienced before. Everything was gone; all emotions, pain, tensions, and even the mental attitude I had before about that situation was gone. I could barely remember why I was so concerned before, now I suddenly saw everything in a completely new light. I could finally perceive the beauty of landscape around me, warming sun, and felt so free and happy! In addition to this total peace and lightness, I also felt strong love towards my friends in the group. I wanted to run to them and hug everyone! I suddenly realized how everyone needs love and support and I was now eager to give it, because I felt so much of it inside.
When we came back from the walk, it was time to make a fire and while some people helped with that, I sat down with one friend, talking about a book he liked, I could feel how the newly gained lightness and love inside me makes people open themselves and I had a great talk with a couple of them that evening. Then we started looking at pictures and writings about the location that was chosen for the astral practice that night. Everybody shared something and we went to sleep very inspired. At that night, I managed to astral project several times, visiting some unexpected places, getting teachings about my inner state and I had no hesitation about the reason for these successes. It was due to the work I did during the day that I was able to earn these experiences.
The next morning it was time to go and I wished the retreat lasted longer! Right when things started to work for me, I have to go? But I found that’s how things often are in this work…when things finally start to work, it is time to go and face new challenges.
Later on that day, I was able to peacefully ressolve my issues with the people involved and while doing that, I could feel how my changed state affected the way they dealt with me. It was apparent they had their own problems, but through the lenses of my egos I could only see my own suffering, but was blind to that of others. The powerful peace, freedom and love I felt on that occasion lasted for a few more days, until it was gradually smothered by the egos again, but it gave me a clear idea of the amazing potential of this psychological work.